Thank you for your quick response and not patronising me with stock answers. Ah actually I know the Bible very well as I was brought up a Christian and attended Sunday School where we had to memorise verses weekly. I can even sing you the order of the books in the N.T. Then progressed to Youth Fellowship and Sunday services for many years.

Actually there is somewhere where it does say God sends us these trials and tribulations but nothing we can’t handle. Possible Paul in either Romans or the Corinthians. But personally I think it was one test too many especially the rejection from the divorce. I have contemplated suicide seriously more than once.

Can you imagine the pain physical emotional mental of a) your cancer coming back after almost 10 years, the one thing you dreaded all that time at the back of your mind and thinking oh I’m gonna make it now.

b) not getting the support from your ex who lets you go it alone from cycle 4 of chemo, a total of 6. It is hell for all chemo patients but I am also severely severely needle phobic. I had to drag myself onto the train to London alone, face the fear of not one but two needles, the first to test your blood for enough white cells so the chemo doesn’t kill you and second for the catheter so they can pump poison direct into your veins. Each time I went I cried and said I won’t do chemo. But every time they are so patient, compassionate and damn persuasive, I find myself in that damn chair poison being pumped into me, yet again.

Before I knew it I had completed all 6 cycles. I thought I would be over the moon but no all I felt was an emptiness, a deep void.

Followed straight away with weeks of intense radiotherapy Mon to Fri staying in hostel attached to hospital. I went home on the train weekends. He would pick me up from the station but stay silent, like it was his duty and nothing else.

Never once did my husband then come to visit. We didn’t live that far away and our daughter was already a teenager and could be left. Not even when I begged him in tears on the phone one night. Instead a mutual friend that I didn’t know that well was prepared to drive 3 hrs each way if it would make me feel better. Later I found out from his wife he hates driving in London.

Fell into deep depression when treatment over; inability to accept recurrence, desertion from ex etc. No understanding, empathy, support. Basically ignored me. Sat in front of computer from minute he came home from work to …

Finally recovered got job at supermarket filling shelves with bottles of wine and cans of beer etc. V heavy lifting which I shouldn’t have been doing because I have a weak arm from previous two surgeries. All lymph nodes removed to test if cancer had spread. Thankfully not or I wouldn’t be here to share this. I made myself do this weekends, evenings, unsociable hours to help the family. No acknowledgement, no thanks, just taken for granted.

The fatal blow was just when I thought we as a family has survived a major crisis/threat the bombshell fell. No debate, no explanation. The final curtain falls; the show has had a good run for 18 years, now past its sell by date, the end. Just like that. No say in the matter.

I have been affected in every way imaginable. Standard of living plummeted. I will never be able to own property again. Due to my health problems I cannot work full time. At the moment I am doing a bit of private English tuition and being supported by my sister.

I have used up all of my house proceeds because he has refused to support our daughter. He promised to pay the rent and I everything else. He defaulted after a few months claiming his business was failing. I paid for one and a half years then came to Hong Kong for fresh start as I couldn’t shake off my depression and felt suicidal again. My daughter is 20 and going to university so doesn’t need me around all the time.

I emailed recently just to pay July and August’s rent before she goes to university. No reply. I ask daughter and no he hasn’t paid July’s. Didn’t even have the courtesy to inform me by email. Daughter has paid it from money I left her to live on. I have already paid for everything and now I have my expenses here and still he won’t pay a penny.

I see you are now following my blog, thank you. When you read my poems you will get an idea of the deep pain I was/am in. Slowly starting to heal but have relapses. Came across a volume of his poetry, ‘poems4ani’, his new true love on kindle/amazon. Necessary to flaunt his love so publicly? Slap in face not enough has to be upgraded to knockout punch??

In the end threw my illnesses back in my face; made his life hell and caused his business to fail because of my recurrence he couldn’t concentrate on turning the business round.

Didn’t even know what he wanted when he married, just went with the flow but now he knows and that is he doesn’t want me anymore. Don’t love me in that way anymore but still cares. He lied, he didn’t/doesn’t give a damn. Turn his back and off to his fabulous new life with perfect woman.

He’d been waiting all these years for me to change but know that I never will so he wants out.

Btw I do have an ‘about’ page and an ‘about me’ one too but this is much more detailed as you wanted to know. Didn’t want to bore others with this unfortunate tale of a bitter and angry middle aged divorcee/cancer survivor with heart disease and living with depression.

Admire your glass is half full outlook. I won’t presume to say who is worse off as we can’t compare apples with pears. We all have our stories and our crosses to bear.

Much love

Cho Wan

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